Yes, Question Mark.

By Sophia LaRocca

Published, September 8th, 2024

(Yes I made this cake myself!)

There was a movie made in the early 2000’s called Uptown Girls, It’s one of my favorites of all time. It stars Brittany Murphy and Dakota Fanning and the movie starts out with Molly—Brittany Murphy’s character’s—22nd birthday. She’s full of life. Quickly, fashionable, and sometimes even childlike. She had her life together until she goes broke and has to work as a nanny for Ray, Dakota Fanning's character. An opinionated, sassy, hypochondriac eight year old. I found myself re-watching the movie for the hundredth time and just bursting into years. And I’ll tell you why. We’ll swing back to that though

I woke up the morning of my 22nd birthday earlier this week with a pounding headache, I could barely lift my head. But I took a motrin and went to work. But it seems that throughout the day, everything just got worse. After dinner my body started to hurt, but I ignored it and went to bed. And the next day, I couldn’t even move. I couldn’t lift my head because whenever I did, a sharp, shooting pain would hit it, practically making me cry. It would hit my temples and ears, and it seems like the pain in my body just got worse and worse.

Until I could barely get up and walk.

Now this isn’t a pity party, stick with me now. I have a point, I swear.

I had to call out of work because everything just got worse. It became the perfect storm. Between the pain in my head, I began to run a fever. So I couldn’t walk, had a fever, the chills, and that shooting pain through my head. It began to course through my ears and jaw. The chills turned into hot flashes that lasted for two days.

Until I started to think. I was lying in bed, trying to sleep, sweating out my fever, and sweat it out I did thank God. But I came across a questions…

Was my body physically rejecting the idea of 22? Was I physically rejecting my birthday?

Now, don’t get me wrong, I don’t love my birthdays and 22 wasn’t particularly one I was excited about. For as long as I could remember, I’ve felt like I’ve been a couple of steps behind the average person my age. Since I was held back in Pre K. Now 22 and not in college, with no career and still living at home, the idea began to consume me, eat me whole. To the point where maybe, just maybe, it was making me physically sick.

The fever went away, and so did the hot flashes and chills, but the head pain never did… and then I got my period.

Maybe my body was rejecting 22. Anyway it could.

Why I bring up the movie Uptown Girls is because throughout the entire movie, Molly just won’t seem to accept the fact that she’s an adult now. She refuses to accept responsibility. No college, no funds, nothing. She struggles with the idea of being an adult and chooses to live in this bubble where she has no responsibilities. Until she meets Ray, who forced her to have them. I met my own Ray three years ago. My mini me who hoped into my life and assumed position as adopted niece straight away.

Molly has a eight year old best friend, and I mean, same. Mines five.

I’ve had to learn responsibility, accountability, and strength. A lot she has taught me. But most importantly, healing your inner child. Myabe that’s why—subcountously—it’s so hard for me to leave the daycare I work at. That deep down, my inner child just needed to healed.

I struggle with the idea of adulthood and college everyday, it’s like a weight on my shoulders that seems to just grow heavier and heavier the more I put it off.

Now my Ray is starting Kindergarten and she said that she was scared, to which I responded, “me too.” She asked why, and I gave a silly reason. Told her I was scared to go off to school for the same reason that she is—it’s the unknown and you’re going in alone.

Of course I didn’t go into that much detail.

There’s a scene in the movie where Molly and Ray are spinning in the teacups in Coney Island and as they look into each other’s eyes, there’s a mutual understanding, a mutual fear. As Molly wishes she could go back to Ray’s age and Ray wishes she could just hurry up and become Molly’s. But the way Molly looks at her is how I look at my Ray everyday. Knowing everything I know now, and knowing everything she’ll have to go through.

Every fiber, every bone in my body is terrified to be an adult.

I’m terrified of growing up, even more terrified of growing old. The idea of going to one college, and choosing one career, and marrying one person, and living in one place is… so overwhelming. Cause you only have one life, and you only turn 22 once. And I feel like I’ve fallen behind miserably. The pressure is too much to bear so I don’t think about it. Like Molly.

But then I watched as my Ray stepped off of the bus from her first day of Kindergarten, it hit me like a truck…

She was all smiles, and I was so relieved she had a good day. But part of me felt like it was dying because it also felt like she didn’t need me anymore. And then the daunting thought hit me.

I’m 22

And I have to move on.

Like my own Ray did, I have to move on to bigger things. If she could go off to kindergarden, surely I could go off to college. And although my body is still currently shedding its skin and getting over whatever cold this is, this rejection to 22, I know I can’t reject it.

No matter how much me or my body wants me to.

It’s time to grow up… it’s time to go to school. It’s time to follow the beaten path, possibly different, but still follow some path. Because if you’re standing still and not participating in life, you’re not living it. If you’re standing there with your hands in your ears, you’re not hearing it.

And now at 22, it’s still time for me to go out and learn things. Because maybe going to one college and choosing one job isn’t so bad if you know what you want to do. And sometimes you’re lucky enough to have someone come into your life and show you the valuable lesson of how important it is. And maybe there is some comfort knowing that they’ll always be there.

“Fundamentals Are The Building Blocks Of Fun.” -Uptown Girls (2003)